The headline pretty much says it all. Teenage me is lying on her bed staring at the ceiling, unable to get up because the momentous fact that all three of these men were born this week just thundered over her like a cosmic tsunami of emo.

Adult me is just happy to have something weird to write about today. Where to begin? Clearly by photoshopping myself into photos with each of my spirit animals but for now, a little history.

Crispin Hellion Glover, born April 20, 1964

Hellion is his legal middle name so there's that. Born in New York City, he relocated with his parents, actor Bruce Glover and his mother, Mary Elizabeth Lillian Betty Krachey, an actress and dancer. His dad is English, Czech and Swedish and his mother is German and Czech so it should come as no surprise that he has purchased a 17th century chateau in Prague and spends most of his time there making films and overseeing the renovation of said castle. Where else would he live? Maybe Transylvania...

The chateau is called Zamek Konarovice and is halfway between beautiful gothic Prague and this:

... a church decorated in human bones in Kutna Hora. Again, how can you be surprised? I heard a rumor that there is a wall of diseased eyeballs in jars in Crispin's (may I call you Crispin?) LA home but it will remain a rumor because I haven't been invited over for tea yet.

Here's a little interview where Crispy talks about his palatial estate, absinthe, and movies. His castle looks like this btw.

Maybe I'm wrong but I think you can actually stay there through airbnb. God, I hope so. Guess who's coming to dinner!

Aside from taking all the parts in film and tv that Johnny Depp thinks are too weird, Crispin also directs films and creates books from compiled obscure novels in the public domain. Sounds like he's a creepy triple threat. Well played, Crispin.

Happy birthday to you, sir. May all your rats be intelligent, your suits well tailored, and your model girlfriends Czech.

Robert Smith, born April 21, 1959

I don't know about you but my high school years were pretty much all Cure all the time. So much heartbreak, so much black nail polish.

Born Robert James Smith in Blackpool, England (fitting), he is the third of four children. His father liked to sing and his mother played piano. Raised Catholic (of course), he later became an atheist (shocking).

Here are a few obscure and somewhat useless facts I've come by as of late:

Robert Smith likes to eat very hot curries.

Robert Smith wrote "Lovesong" as a wedding gift to his wife, Mary Poole, who he met when he was 14.

Robert Smith played guitar in Siouxie and the Banshees.

This is not Robert Smith, this is Siouxie. I understand the confusion.

He inspired Edward Scissorhands. Tim Burton is a huge fan apparently.

Robert Smith also likes cats.

Happy birthday, Bob. I hope that you get all the cake you want. Thank you for getting me through that rough breakup in 10th grade...and 11th grade.

John Waters, born April 22, 1946

I mean, do I even have to get into it? You must know you are in the presence of genius if you have read this far into the post to get to John Effing Waters. Never has someone lived so authentically with so little regard to public opinion as my spiritual father, John Waters.

Film director, screenwriter, author, actor, stand-up comedian, journalist, visual artist, and art collector, Mr. Waters you are truly a joy. Born John Samuel Waters, Jr. in Baltimore, MD where he became childhood friends with Glenn Milstead who would one day be reborn as Divine. Raised Catholic (I see a trend here), you can see a lot of religious...homages in his films.

Waters began doing deranged puppet shows for the neighborhood kids when he was around the age of seven (yes!) and it was clear early on that he'd either be a storyteller or serial killer.

If you want to know all the wonderful stories behind his films, Desperate Living, Female Trouble, Pink Flamingos etc, you should just read any one of his hysterically funny books or go see him speak the next time he's on tour. I've seen him four or five times and every time it's new and terrific material. Buy his Christmas album even, there are some true gems on there like "Fat Daddy" and the cringeworthy "Happy Birthday, Jesus."

I love that he and his friends all bought burial plots in the same cemetery so they can be together for ever. Can I get in on that, John?

I love that he teaches in prisons, I love that he still lives in Baltimore, I love that he thinks if you go home with someone and they don't own any books, you shouldn't sleep with them. I also love that when we met 20 years ago I was so starstruck that I was rendered speechless and he just patted my arm and said, "I know, honey. I know."

Happy birthday Mr Waters. I wish all your steaks to be rare and your tricks to be literate and...knowledgable. May you spend your night watching a complicated medical procedure gone wrong on cable.